Much of what I share in this blog will sound like good old-fashioned narcissism, but today we are going deeper. Narcissists are generally described as people who feel they are fine as they are, and it is everyone else that needs to change. One of the main points of emphasis that I will use to distinguish the narcissist from the person addicted to themself is the differing levels of satisfaction with their self-serving personalities. A true narcissist can get high off conquering people, whereas a self-addict, like any addict, feels they have to do it and may feel bad afterward.
The damage and destructiveness between a narcissist and a self-addict can be indistinguishable. Attempts to preserve oneself at the expense of others can leave a trail of bodies that have been burned and then cast to the side. The narcissist says, “well, it’s their fault for being so gullible and letting me use them, while the self-addict says, “I never meant for anyone to get hurt.” The addict may even feel guilty or remorseful and start reading their bible until their addiction calls them again.
Suppose a situation arises where a self-addict has to decide whether they will deny themself a desire. The desire is likely a pleasure that would bring a short-lived joy but could cause someone else endless pain; they would think about it for a little while, and then off they go to do what they always do, choose themself over everyone else. They are no different than a drug addict and an alcoholic, and their drug of choice is themself, their own self-importance. Like any addict, a self-addict can be very convincing. Post-injury, a self-addict will convince you that they have turned a new leaf and even found God.
But addiction is not about a revelation or an epiphany. Most addicts are well aware of the detrimental effects their habits cause those around them. Addicts that want to get better tend to hate their addiction, but to some degree, they may always struggle. Specific triggers will never go away; self-addicts don’t realize this. They are waiting for some purification ceremony, a baptism, or the demons to be cast out. One of the keys to success for most people starts with their minds. Some are gifted with minds that excel academically. Others are blessed with analytical minds that can solve problems critically.
Some people have minds that work well in social situations. They understand how to get along with people and get what they need from them. Not to be forgotten are those with exceptional emotional management and self-awareness. They can put it all into perspective in the most challenging situations and be that calming voice of reason, knowing when to put emotions in and take them out. Although not the focus of the point I am working towards, some have lost their minds or do not work at a total capacity, likely due to trauma.
Then we have the minds of the self-addicts. Their minds are deficient in instincts centered on morality, fairness, empathy, altruism, loyalty, and fidelity, and overly instinctual concerning survival, self-interest, pleasure, and deceit. Their minds are toxic. They play both sides and confuse the hell out of empaths and people who believe in giving second chances. You will feel as if you are dealing with two different people at times, and it’s because you are. Their brains operate in cycles. When they are good, they are good, but when they are bad, they are really bad.
Like any addict, they have triggers, and many are as follows:
- Not getting their way
- Getting bored
- Under duress
- Feeling embarrassed or humiliated
- Unhappy
- Not receiving enough attention
- Criticism
- Jealousy
- Not being in control of their image
- Feeling compromised
- Perceived disrespect
The list is not exhaustive, but it can explain why a friend or lover you usually get along with has turned into a devil. It can clarify why you both could have had the same bad experiences, but you helped them, and they left you high and dry. But if nothing else, it should help you understand why your dynamic lacks consistency. Some people are genuinely addicted to themselves, and when they are triggered, you can become their mule. You can be treated in the most inhumane ways possible. When you are fed up, had enough, and packed your bags, their survival instincts may take over and convince you to stay. Now their softer side is coming out.
Unlike narcissists, they may acknowledge their wrongdoing, let you vent about the pain you caused, and not want to kill you in your sleep. They may even agree that their behavior needs to change and start that process, but all it takes is for a trigger to go off again, and their resistance to treating you like trash begins to wane, and eventually, you are back to where you started. These individuals have poor self-control and endure periods of not caring about anyone but themselves. They may not admit it to themselves because it sounds downright awful, but it is the truth.
Their refusal to change stems from a lack of know-how and inconsistent desire to change, and they must have made it far enough in life to where they feel they can survive. They have a footstool, someone to deal with their emotional instability, and it’s not until they lose everything that they genuinely want to change. However, if they lose faith that they can reclaim a life equivalent to what they lost, many will say the hell with it, keep a revolving door of lovers and eventually die alone.
If you are reading this blog and knowing this is you, not all hope is lost. If you want to change, I have three important words for you, “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” You will need to engage in a process where you start from the ground up, rewiring how you think. You must self-identify to your provider your true nature and if they cut you off with a bunch of empowerment mumbo jumbo, find someone else to see. You are a toxic unsafe person. If you have children, you can destroy them. If you have a spouse, you will burn them out if you already haven’t. Get help!
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