Many children confess to having had inseparable relationships with their mothers when they were little. However, everything changed when they entered adolescence and began to show signs that they desired autonomy. It was as if they went from being their mom’s everything to meaning virtually nothing to her. Many reports that their mothers would engage in acts of cruelty against them. These mothers would also show no compassion for their kids’ troubles and loved to rub their children’s mistakes into their faces because they did not do things mama’s way.
Children with these experiences tend to feel confused because their friends likely don’t have such harsh experiences. Their friends do not report living in such hostile environments and appear to be able to talk to their mothers about anything. Trying to open a conversation with a harsh mother turns into a bashing session where the child receives constant reminders that their thinking is inferior to their mom. Confused about what to do, the child suffers while counting down the days until they can finally leave home.
These dynamics reflect a parent fighting for control and a child fighting for independence. The pleasantries these children experienced resulted from their mothers having complete control over their behavior. Children know they have to do what their mothers say, and in most cases, this is ok because obedience is further met with love. As children get older, they appropriately try to piece it together on their own, but some mothers will not have it. It is understandable that some mothers will struggle at the onset of change. However, when the mother becomes a tyrant, something entirely different is revealed.
The inflexible mother that would prefer to see her children fail than succeed if she is not directly involved is the undisputed narcissistic mother. This hellcat will take her kids through emotional ringers to control her kids’ lives and get her children to meet her needs. Children appeal in these situations because they are unique. Children are generally willing to do anything to make their parents proud. As kids grow up, they begin to turn a lot of attention towards themselves, which could cause an entitled, narcissistic parent to go mad.
We will review a checklist to determine if the mother in question is likely narcissistic.
· Entitled (e.g., expects special treatment)
· Withheld love as a child when failing to meet her expectations
· Punishes her lids not for doing wrong but only when they offend or embarrass her
· Took better care of herself than her kids
· Fragile ego
· Vain
· Grandiose (e.g., often talks about what she could have been)
· Does not forgive
· Charming in public but becomes a different person behind closed doors
· Master manipulators
· Controlling
The list here is not exhaustive. It solely serves the purpose of providing context to who is the narcissistic mother. Culture and parenting style will play a role in presenting these characteristics. For the individual reading this blog, I hate to inform, but mama will not return to the pre-adolescent mother unless the reader is willing to pretend like he or she is five years old for the rest of their life. Many do not realize that narcissists feed off others’ energy, and children can make perfect suppliers because they can be controlled.
Readers, do not be fooled. If you have a narcissistic mother, the experience of love was more of a reflection of the ambiance the narcissist wanted to create than any love they had for their children. Everything the children felt was conditional, and adolescence changed those conditions. I hope this blog has clarified why the alleged love between mother and child often takes such a dark arc upon entering the adolescent stage. By now, I hope it has become apparent that less attention should be given to reconnecting with that lost side of the parent and is instead turned towards seeking the much-needed help anyone would need who has survived a narcissistic mother.
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