This blog is for individuals who cheat often enough that they have earned the title cheater. Specifically, the blog is for cheaters who take no pride in their behavior and wish they did not have an impulse to stray. True, some individuals will cheat without a care in the world, forcing you to leave them eventually if you are tired of sharing. Then there are those individuals that cheat, like the smoker that wants to quit. For such people, it is a bad habit that they want to put away.
Most writing on cheating focuses on the victim and advises how to leave or forgive the one who was unfaithful in the relationship. The public ridicule surrounding cheaters sees that unless caught in the act, even remorseful cheaters rarely have open discussions about their struggles. Silencing and shaming apologetic cheaters do not provide cheaters with the needed resources to address their affliction. To expect cheaters to go cold turkey and refrain from unfaithful acts oversimplifies the struggles these individuals likely go through to be faithful.
There is hope for those that possess the impulsive wandering eye and the automatic intense physical attraction felt when observing someone new. The goal should never be to remove attractions because that is unlikely. Attempts to downplay feelings rarely resorts to a restrained state. Instead, buried feelings regarding one’s compulsions tend to lead to binges that erode the tempted’s confidence that a change is going to come. The goal should be to create an easy to follow system that keeps trouble off the horizon. Realistic goal planning will help reduce relapses or going on binges that can destroy relationships.
There is no one size fits all strategy to eliminate cheating from relationships, but there are a few steps that, when committed to, can eliminate cheating from relationships. Keep in mind the following advice is for the individual who is remorseful and no longer wants to be unfaithful. Step number one requires the cheater fully taps into the pain their behavior causes their partner. To be remorseful is not the same as tapping into the pain caused to one’s partner.
Tapping into the pain means the unfaithful individual is willing to allow their partner to vent without being met with defensiveness and answer whatever questions the partner has regarding the encounter(s). Essentially, the cheater has to be willing to sit in the raw emotions their betrayal has caused and be transparent with their partner. Failure to sit in the raw emotions of the partner will make it less likely the partner will have obtained closure, and more likely, he or she will hold on to the hurt. When relationships have not healed, ironically, future cheating can ensue as a means to escape from what has become an exhausting guilt-filled relationship.
The second step is to reflect and identify all triggers that make it harder to be faithful. Triggers can include but are not limited to people, places, substances, and emotional well-being. An honest and thorough evaluation of the most significant contributors to the desire to stray makes it possible to take control, which brings me to the third step. After identifying the triggers, they require management. The effort to manage triggers cannot be half-hearted. A cheater can lie to everyone else, but once he or she begins lying to themselves, all attempts to refrain from cheating will be in vain.
Knowing oneself means that the tempted has to make the right call regarding where they should be, who they should be with, how much they can drink, and so on. Third, cheating has to become something the tempted views as reprehensible. Even if society does not see unfaithfulness as an equivalent to more common frowned upon behaviors such as assault, abuse, and other violations against the body, the tempted may need to do so. Although being particularly hard on oneself is not a popular point of view in American culture, it is in some cultures that emphasize honor. Ultimately, success will be determined by how bad the individual wants it.
Blogger’s note: There are unique circumstances, such as when an individual is battling sexual addiction. This particular circumstance should be met with specialized help from a sex therapist who shares the same value system. Seeking advice from an inexperienced counselor or therapist with widely differing values can worsen matters. Not all advice is good advice; choose wisely.
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